Story 1:
“I hope you’re sitting down. This is going to change your life. It will change your perception about history, humankind, and most importantly, beer.” These were the words a friend of mine said when he called me to get the facts straight about something so interesting, so inconceivable that he stopped all of his work to focus on this one task. It was about three years ago when I received that call and, since then, my life has never been the same. He studies genealogy and I study history. This is the story of our discovery.
In case you don’t know, a genealogist, like my friend Russell, studies the ancestral lineage of people – basically the history of families. While researching another project, he discovered references to an almost mythical family line that paralleled the great events of history like the discovery of America, the exile of Napoleon, and the start of World War II. Given the great number of historical events, diversity of ancestry, and cultures of the world, no other genealogist or historian would undertake the task to research this far-reaching idea. Obviously these other scholars didn’t love beer as much as my friend and I do. (Nor did they drink as many homebrews as we did the night we decided to start this project.) I say this because this ancestral myth may have had a great influence on our knowledge of all the beer consumed throughout the ages.
The oldest written beer recipe is circa 3000 BC. But evidence suggests that beer has been produced even longer. Little clues found in ancient amphora such as “beer stone” (calcified malt residue) and figurines depicting women and men straining grain though baskets into vessels make archeologist speculate beer has been made for at least as long as 7000 years. In our research of this ancestral lineage, we have confirmed this theory. How? The most amazing collection of written and oral history that has been passed from generation to generation for thousands of years and then on to us in a series of interviews. These are interviews that read like the epic story of humanity itself. I have now taken over the project entirely since Russell has bills to pay and this is a labor of love that even the sanest of people would balk at the undertaking. I have committed myself to do these interviews because I’m so excited about this project. I also have time because I won the lottery a couple of years ago and I don’t have to work if I don’t want to. I know you will be thankful and awed by the following interviews and insights.
That being said, let me introduce you to Brother Finn Hemlig. I met him for the first time at a monastery where he has lived and worked for the past few years. Finn stands about 5 foot 2, slightly hunched in the back and has a wandering eye that makes you feel a little uncomfortable. Being roughly eighty-five years old, his hair is stringy, dingy gray and thin. Even though he appears to be clean, he constantly smells slightly of stale bread. His forearms appear overdeveloped under his monk’s robe and his feet are always in dusty sandals. He is a strange man but very hospitable. I instantly took a liking to him the moment I saw him, although he does on occasion seem like he’s completely unaware of the world around him. Finn is the last in line to bear the name Hemlig (or one of the cultural derivatives) so his story - his family’s story – needed to be written down for all of us to benefit.
The research into the family Hemlig was no small feat. Age after age, the name Hemlig had been adapted to the culture of the native land that his ancestor was living in at the time. That created dozens of variations on the name “Hemlig” such as Hemligstein, Hemlique, and Jemligez. No one can say where the true origins of Hemlig were, but we can say that the sole surviving scion has been found, and, through numerous interviews with him, we have been able to piece together his family’s legacy to beer.
The following is from Finn’s own words. The stories are told with reference to the Hemlig Scrolls, the immortal documents all Sons of Hemlig have sworn to study. These scrolls are overflowing with brewing theories, crude drawings of nude women drinking from large tankards of beer, countless recipes, and the cultural impact this family has had on the brewing world and the world at large. This is the history of beer. We found Finn at one of the Trappist monasteries. As a courtesy to the other monks, we will not disclose in which monastery he resides. It only took a little prodding to get Finn to talk. And talk he did. The following interviews were recorded so that no detail was lost. Even though Finn’s speech is, at times, slurred and gravely, I was able to make out nearly all the words. I have also included the subtle and sometimes wild gestures he made while he was retelling the stories. Finn is very animated and I wanted to convey that as much as possible.
FIRST INTERVIEW:
JE: Brother Finn, are you in a place where you can sit and talk for a while?
Finn: I’m not usually very talkative. I’ve taken vows of silence, you know. What did you want again?
JE: My colleagues and I, the entire beer community really, want to know about the Hemlig Scrolls and your family’s history with brewing beer.
Finn: Oh, is that all? Well, I’ll begin at the end. I don’t have anything to do with brewing beer anymore. Beer has been the scourge of my family for thousands of years and now I’m done with it. There always seemed to be a mishap or tragedy that affected one of my relatives. So beer has become the enemy. I don’t mind talking about beer as it relates to my family, but other than that I’ve nothing to do with it. I moved into this Trappist monastery to get away from brewing. It’s nothing but prayer, gardening, and milling grain so my brothers can make bread. Beer has damaged me so much that sometimes I think I smell beer wafting through the halls of this monastery! I have even smelled beer on the breath of my brothers. God help me!
JE: Finn, you do know what a Trappist monastery does don’t you?
Finn: (He puts his hands on top of his head.) Of course, numbskull, they trap animals and sell the pelts for money, hence the name Trappist. Since I’m a member of PETA, I don’t participate though.
JE: Wow. Okay. I don’t know how to put this…well, nevermind. I know it’s a difficult subject for you, but please tell me about the oldest of the Hemlig family scrolls. Who’s in it and what beer did they make?
Finn: The first of the scrolls is difficult to read, what with the age of the scroll and primitive writing style. It is called the “Post Neolithic” Scroll. It’s actually way, way post Neolithic, but our family was still fairly primitive even then. Prog Humlug was the first in our family to record his experiments with leftover produce and sea water. He lived in a land that is currently held by the Albanians and he worked for a farmer that grew olives, barley, and figs. His recipe reads like this... This one I was forced to memorize by my father since he didn’t trust me to be alone with the scroll. I’m going to be giving you this information from memory because I don’t trust you enough to touch or look at the sacred scrolls. Pay attention and write this down, son. (He squeezes the bridge of his nose. I’m assuming he is trying to recall the recipe. He thrusts a jazz hand into the air and yells out the recipe’s title.)
Leftover Barley and Mushy Fig and Dark Olive Feel Good Elixir
Things you need to make this drink:
1 fire pot filled almost full with Sea Water (Finn adds an aside) After the sixth batch he decided that sea water gave the brew a salty fish taste so he instinctively changed to River Water.
8 big handfuls of Barley, bugs removed
5 Whole Figs, preferably mushy - Be sure they do not come from the dog’s pen. Refer to notes from batch #3 for reasons why.
23 Ripened Dark Olives, pitted and halved
1 Handful of bitter herbs from the crazy sea witch
1 Wild Mushroom, Chopped
Things you do to make this drink:
Fill fire pot with water. Remember to use water from the river and not the sea.
Over an open fire, heat the river water until it is possessed by demons. Do not put hand in water at this point.
Offer grain to the water as a sacrifice to quell the spirits. Stir with stick.
All Figs and Olives are next to enter the pot of the damned.
Let the wretched pot seethe in its own misery for as long as it takes to walk to the cave of the sea witch and back again. Obtain bitter herbs from crazy sea witch. Remember to take her an offering of something shiny or good smelling. Return with haste to tend to the demon pot.
Stand back from the pot and throw in the herbs that the sea witch gave you. Stir occasionally.
Let the slurry writhe in agony for as long as it takes to thoroughly wash the smell of the sea witch’s cave from your nose.
Remove the demon pot from the fire. Use mom’s fire pot holders, not your hands.
Wait until you can submerge your hand into the slurry for more that twenty breaths without crying.
Use a mostly clean cloth to take out the solid parts as you move the liquid from the fire pot to the not-fire pot.
Add the chopped mushroom and cover the demon pot with a 1¾ inch hydro impact flushed groove Jerusalem alabaster stone lid with a ¼ inch bung release valve with optional thermal verification read out...or something hard and flat.
Wait. Resist temptation to go back to the naked sea witch’s cave. Wait. Remember that many moons will pass.
When the white devil goo that lives on top of the brew has returned to hell, dip in your ram’s horn drinking vessel and try to choke it down. The “Feel Good” part will come with the drinking of four or five horns of elixir. Keep giving elixir to the villagers to help them cope with the sadness from the news that large mean people are invading from the North in two or three day’s time.
Finn: That was the last entry to his scroll. After that, there is no record of a Humlug from that area or even anything written about that village anywhere in history. Seems strange, but hey, that’s life! All right, boy. That’s all I’m giving you today. My jaw is tired and my brain hurts a little bit. Brother Celis will see you to the door.
JE: Can I come see you again, maybe next Thursday?
Finn: No. Thursday is taco day. Nobody likes to be around me on taco day. Make it Friday. I’ll have another story and recipe for you then. Sneak me in a chocolate bar, something with marzipan. Blessings, kid.
With that, Finn gave a slight bow, slipped out the door and seemed to evaporate down the darkened hallway.
Listening to Finn tell his story about the origins of his family and possibly the origins of beer itself makes me yearn to know more. Although we would never try to recreate Prog Humlug’s recipe today due to sanitation standards, brewing knowledge and the lack of a sea witch, we can appreciate the pioneering spirit and brewing innovations that this family has given us. So next time you raise a glass of homebrew or your favorite brand of ale, think of the legendary Brother Finn Hemlig.
“I hope you’re sitting down. This is going to change your life. It will change your perception about history, humankind, and most importantly, beer.” These were the words a friend of mine said when he called me to get the facts straight about something so interesting, so inconceivable that he stopped all of his work to focus on this one task. It was about three years ago when I received that call and, since then, my life has never been the same. He studies genealogy and I study history. This is the story of our discovery.
In case you don’t know, a genealogist, like my friend Russell, studies the ancestral lineage of people – basically the history of families. While researching another project, he discovered references to an almost mythical family line that paralleled the great events of history like the discovery of America, the exile of Napoleon, and the start of World War II. Given the great number of historical events, diversity of ancestry, and cultures of the world, no other genealogist or historian would undertake the task to research this far-reaching idea. Obviously these other scholars didn’t love beer as much as my friend and I do. (Nor did they drink as many homebrews as we did the night we decided to start this project.) I say this because this ancestral myth may have had a great influence on our knowledge of all the beer consumed throughout the ages.
The oldest written beer recipe is circa 3000 BC. But evidence suggests that beer has been produced even longer. Little clues found in ancient amphora such as “beer stone” (calcified malt residue) and figurines depicting women and men straining grain though baskets into vessels make archeologist speculate beer has been made for at least as long as 7000 years. In our research of this ancestral lineage, we have confirmed this theory. How? The most amazing collection of written and oral history that has been passed from generation to generation for thousands of years and then on to us in a series of interviews. These are interviews that read like the epic story of humanity itself. I have now taken over the project entirely since Russell has bills to pay and this is a labor of love that even the sanest of people would balk at the undertaking. I have committed myself to do these interviews because I’m so excited about this project. I also have time because I won the lottery a couple of years ago and I don’t have to work if I don’t want to. I know you will be thankful and awed by the following interviews and insights.
That being said, let me introduce you to Brother Finn Hemlig. I met him for the first time at a monastery where he has lived and worked for the past few years. Finn stands about 5 foot 2, slightly hunched in the back and has a wandering eye that makes you feel a little uncomfortable. Being roughly eighty-five years old, his hair is stringy, dingy gray and thin. Even though he appears to be clean, he constantly smells slightly of stale bread. His forearms appear overdeveloped under his monk’s robe and his feet are always in dusty sandals. He is a strange man but very hospitable. I instantly took a liking to him the moment I saw him, although he does on occasion seem like he’s completely unaware of the world around him. Finn is the last in line to bear the name Hemlig (or one of the cultural derivatives) so his story - his family’s story – needed to be written down for all of us to benefit.
The research into the family Hemlig was no small feat. Age after age, the name Hemlig had been adapted to the culture of the native land that his ancestor was living in at the time. That created dozens of variations on the name “Hemlig” such as Hemligstein, Hemlique, and Jemligez. No one can say where the true origins of Hemlig were, but we can say that the sole surviving scion has been found, and, through numerous interviews with him, we have been able to piece together his family’s legacy to beer.
The following is from Finn’s own words. The stories are told with reference to the Hemlig Scrolls, the immortal documents all Sons of Hemlig have sworn to study. These scrolls are overflowing with brewing theories, crude drawings of nude women drinking from large tankards of beer, countless recipes, and the cultural impact this family has had on the brewing world and the world at large. This is the history of beer. We found Finn at one of the Trappist monasteries. As a courtesy to the other monks, we will not disclose in which monastery he resides. It only took a little prodding to get Finn to talk. And talk he did. The following interviews were recorded so that no detail was lost. Even though Finn’s speech is, at times, slurred and gravely, I was able to make out nearly all the words. I have also included the subtle and sometimes wild gestures he made while he was retelling the stories. Finn is very animated and I wanted to convey that as much as possible.
FIRST INTERVIEW:
JE: Brother Finn, are you in a place where you can sit and talk for a while?
Finn: I’m not usually very talkative. I’ve taken vows of silence, you know. What did you want again?
JE: My colleagues and I, the entire beer community really, want to know about the Hemlig Scrolls and your family’s history with brewing beer.
Finn: Oh, is that all? Well, I’ll begin at the end. I don’t have anything to do with brewing beer anymore. Beer has been the scourge of my family for thousands of years and now I’m done with it. There always seemed to be a mishap or tragedy that affected one of my relatives. So beer has become the enemy. I don’t mind talking about beer as it relates to my family, but other than that I’ve nothing to do with it. I moved into this Trappist monastery to get away from brewing. It’s nothing but prayer, gardening, and milling grain so my brothers can make bread. Beer has damaged me so much that sometimes I think I smell beer wafting through the halls of this monastery! I have even smelled beer on the breath of my brothers. God help me!
JE: Finn, you do know what a Trappist monastery does don’t you?
Finn: (He puts his hands on top of his head.) Of course, numbskull, they trap animals and sell the pelts for money, hence the name Trappist. Since I’m a member of PETA, I don’t participate though.
JE: Wow. Okay. I don’t know how to put this…well, nevermind. I know it’s a difficult subject for you, but please tell me about the oldest of the Hemlig family scrolls. Who’s in it and what beer did they make?
Finn: The first of the scrolls is difficult to read, what with the age of the scroll and primitive writing style. It is called the “Post Neolithic” Scroll. It’s actually way, way post Neolithic, but our family was still fairly primitive even then. Prog Humlug was the first in our family to record his experiments with leftover produce and sea water. He lived in a land that is currently held by the Albanians and he worked for a farmer that grew olives, barley, and figs. His recipe reads like this... This one I was forced to memorize by my father since he didn’t trust me to be alone with the scroll. I’m going to be giving you this information from memory because I don’t trust you enough to touch or look at the sacred scrolls. Pay attention and write this down, son. (He squeezes the bridge of his nose. I’m assuming he is trying to recall the recipe. He thrusts a jazz hand into the air and yells out the recipe’s title.)
Leftover Barley and Mushy Fig and Dark Olive Feel Good Elixir
Things you need to make this drink:
1 fire pot filled almost full with Sea Water (Finn adds an aside) After the sixth batch he decided that sea water gave the brew a salty fish taste so he instinctively changed to River Water.
8 big handfuls of Barley, bugs removed
5 Whole Figs, preferably mushy - Be sure they do not come from the dog’s pen. Refer to notes from batch #3 for reasons why.
23 Ripened Dark Olives, pitted and halved
1 Handful of bitter herbs from the crazy sea witch
1 Wild Mushroom, Chopped
Things you do to make this drink:
Fill fire pot with water. Remember to use water from the river and not the sea.
Over an open fire, heat the river water until it is possessed by demons. Do not put hand in water at this point.
Offer grain to the water as a sacrifice to quell the spirits. Stir with stick.
All Figs and Olives are next to enter the pot of the damned.
Let the wretched pot seethe in its own misery for as long as it takes to walk to the cave of the sea witch and back again. Obtain bitter herbs from crazy sea witch. Remember to take her an offering of something shiny or good smelling. Return with haste to tend to the demon pot.
Stand back from the pot and throw in the herbs that the sea witch gave you. Stir occasionally.
Let the slurry writhe in agony for as long as it takes to thoroughly wash the smell of the sea witch’s cave from your nose.
Remove the demon pot from the fire. Use mom’s fire pot holders, not your hands.
Wait until you can submerge your hand into the slurry for more that twenty breaths without crying.
Use a mostly clean cloth to take out the solid parts as you move the liquid from the fire pot to the not-fire pot.
Add the chopped mushroom and cover the demon pot with a 1¾ inch hydro impact flushed groove Jerusalem alabaster stone lid with a ¼ inch bung release valve with optional thermal verification read out...or something hard and flat.
Wait. Resist temptation to go back to the naked sea witch’s cave. Wait. Remember that many moons will pass.
When the white devil goo that lives on top of the brew has returned to hell, dip in your ram’s horn drinking vessel and try to choke it down. The “Feel Good” part will come with the drinking of four or five horns of elixir. Keep giving elixir to the villagers to help them cope with the sadness from the news that large mean people are invading from the North in two or three day’s time.
Finn: That was the last entry to his scroll. After that, there is no record of a Humlug from that area or even anything written about that village anywhere in history. Seems strange, but hey, that’s life! All right, boy. That’s all I’m giving you today. My jaw is tired and my brain hurts a little bit. Brother Celis will see you to the door.
JE: Can I come see you again, maybe next Thursday?
Finn: No. Thursday is taco day. Nobody likes to be around me on taco day. Make it Friday. I’ll have another story and recipe for you then. Sneak me in a chocolate bar, something with marzipan. Blessings, kid.
With that, Finn gave a slight bow, slipped out the door and seemed to evaporate down the darkened hallway.
Listening to Finn tell his story about the origins of his family and possibly the origins of beer itself makes me yearn to know more. Although we would never try to recreate Prog Humlug’s recipe today due to sanitation standards, brewing knowledge and the lack of a sea witch, we can appreciate the pioneering spirit and brewing innovations that this family has given us. So next time you raise a glass of homebrew or your favorite brand of ale, think of the legendary Brother Finn Hemlig.